Say what now?!?!

My dad has always had a hard time finding the right words for things such as cabin when he means cabinets.  Half the time he has trouble pronouncing them correctly when he does find the words like dunkey when he meant to say donkey.  When my sister and I were younger we would tease him constantly about it and consequentially bring about the wrath of mom.  Last night, however, was an occurrence of such hilarious proportions that even she could not resist choking back a laugh.
My dad was trying to describe this new massage thing he brought back from Michigan. He finally pulls out a softball size rubber ball type thing. I was confused and asked why he bought a doggie chew toy. He proudly holds it up and announces “this is my new sperm!!” Mom and I sat there for a few seconds, desperately trying to not crack up. Then he starts rubbing it along his leg and mom and I lost it!! Between trying to get a breath and laughing, I managed to say something along the lines of “dad I think your sperm is molesting you”. He finally realized what he said and turned six different shades of red. After a lot of stuttering and laughter, mom and I determined that he meant to say sphere which he still can’t say much to my amusement.

Gullibility = Friday Entertainment

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that when I am at work, I do not tolerate idle chatter from the truckers I deal with.  Now I know some of you might think that’s harsh but let me explain.  I am a security guard, not a customer service representative.  I do not get paid to sit there and listen while these idiots go on about what the weather is doing, how their lunch isn’t agreeing with them, or what their doctor recommends for their colon problems.  In my mind the only words that should be spoken to me should be relevant to what they’re dropping off, picking up, or where they’re going.  However, every now and then I will indulge the truckers in their chatter but by my own rules.  The fact that about 98% of truckers that I deal with are obscenely gullible helps in the amusement factor.  The following is a conversation I had just recently with a trucker who decided to point out the obvious weather changes.

Trucker:  Hey! Looks like you guys got a few snow storms here!

Me:  Actually that’s not snow.

Trucker:  Really? It looks like snow….what is it??

Me:  It’s powdered sugar.  The town took a vote and we decided that we like the look of snow but we don’t like actual snow so we put powdered sugar on the mountain.

Trucker:  Really?  So it’s like candyland sorta?

Me:  Yep!  The only bad thing is that the squirrels have gotten so fat that they roll down the mountain and cause mini avalanches.  The effects on the traffic to Grand Canyon have been quite devastating.

Trucker:  *nods seriously*  yeah I can see how that would be no good…so do you have to buy a ticket to get to the mountain and eat the powdered sugar?

Me:  No they really frown upon people eating it because of what happened to the squirrels.

Trucker:  Oh well that’s too bad…I guess I’ll have to settle for buying my own powdered sugar then.

Me:  Yes sir I guess you will.

Trucker:  *walks away calling his wife on his phone saying “hey honey guess what I just saw in Arizona!?!”*

It’s days like today and conversations like that which make me wonder and also worry about the future of our nation.  I mean it’s one thing to be gullible and then catch on halfway through and yet a whole other to actually fully believe it.

But that’s impossible!?!?!

I have to deal with truckers a lot at work who come from all over the U.S. and sometimes from other countries.  Needless to say I usually hear really random and strange things.  Mostly a trucker will come in and randomly start blathering on and on about where he’s from, how far he drove, how little sleep he’s had, what he ate for lunch, what his wife is doing at home, how he hates his company, etc.  I’ve gotten used to pretty much just tuning out the senseless chatter, but every now and then a trucker says something that makes me stop and give them a look of “you seriously did not just ask that”.  Now granted the main question I get I am almost used to tuning out by now.  “It’s snowing??? But this is Arizona!!! It’s not supposed to snow here???”  While it is true that the majority of Arizona doesn’t get much in the way of winter weather, Flagstaff gets snow and sometimes we get a lot.  Year after year truckers seem shocked by the fact that it’s snowing in Arizona.  Flagstaff is 7,000 feet above sea level which is higher than Denver so of course it snows here!!!!

Currently Flagstaff is enjoying some seasonable monsoon weather.  85 degrees with 25% humidity which isn’t too bad.  I, however, work in a metal and glass box which can easily heat up to over 100 degrees.  My company oh so graciously installed a brand new AC unit last year after one of our guards passed out from heat exhaustion.  The only problem with it is that they put it in a corner of the guard shack that has permanent fixtures blocking half of the vents!  Normally because it gets so hot in here even with the AC on, most truckers like to joke that we have the heater blasting because it’s actually cooler outside.  Today one trucker suggested that I leave the doors open and I told him I can’t do that.  He asked why and so I told him it’s because the wind would blow my paperwork out the opposite door and the bugs would come in.  now wait for the facepalm moment…..he says and i quote “oh I didn’t think you guys had bugs around here.”  and facepalm!!!!! (for those of you who don’t know what a facepalm is its when you have those moments when you have the inexplicable urge to smack your face with your hand).  I gave him one of my favorite looks that comes across as you’re-a-purple-cow-from-mars and he asked why I gave him that look.  I looked at him again and then outside and back at him and asked “Really? You don’t think there are bugs out here?  We’re outside!!  Of course there’s bugs here!!!”  Apparently he thought that Arizona in general doesn’t have bugs. 

This above all makes me fear for the future of our country and its education system.  I secretly think that the world is conspiring against me to either become a raging alocholic or a homocidal maniac.  On the plus side, when a trucker says something dumb I feel my IQ raise about 20 points!!!  That’s all the insanity for today!!

 

The Perfect Nut

Parents = Really Big Children

So living with my parents is definitely no picnic.  This is the third time I’ve moved back in with them since I was 19.  I think I have finally discovered their scheme to drive me bonkers.  They sometimes act childish just to make me see what they had to put up with when I was growing up.  At least that’s my theory.  The other night I was cooking dinner and dad was stealing a couple of chips to munch on in the meantime.  A minute or so later I hear this odd gagging noise and asked what was going on.   This is the following conversation.

Dad: I was choking on a chip!

Me:  Well did you chew it first?

Dad:  No you made me eat it!!

Me:  I made you eat it?

Dad:  Yes! You said dad have some chips.

Me:  I did not say that and I certainly didn’t make you do anything.

Dad:  You made me eat it!!

Me:  Oh hush up and act your age!  How old are you?

Dad:  21!!!!

Me:  Well that’s a frightening thought…so I was 4 when you were born?  That doesn’t even make any sense!!

Dad:  Yes it does now finish cooking before mom gets home.

Like I said, I think they sometimes intentionally act immature and obnoxious just to exasperate me.  Maybe they think if they act crazy enough they’ll get me to finally move out for good!  And trust me I wish I could!  I wonder if they act young enough if I can put them up for adoption?  Any takers?  They’re housebroken I promise

Homecoming and Harping

My parents are finally home!!!!  This means that not only am I relieved of chicken watching duty, but the stars of my blog can resume their antics!!!  Naturally the first thing they did when they got home was tell me that I am no longer allowed to be anywhere near them with a camera ever again….apparently some little birdie in Iowa *coughcherylcough* has alerted them to my intentions of catching them at their craziest.  It has had a rather amusing effect however, every time I walk into the room and I’m texting or listening to my iPod, they freeze like a deer in the headlights untill I go into the next room.  Maybe if I take enough frozen deer pictures they’ll forget what I’m doing and go back to being their crazy selves.

Angry birds and blind squirrels

So this week has been ultra crappy and I have been in desperate need for comic relief.  Seeing as the stars of my blog are out of town I figured that I was going to have to make my own form of entertainment…possibly play some angry birds on my phone cause that game makes me smile.  Turns out all I needed was yet another normal day at work.  I was sitting here in my glorified fish bowl aka the guardshack with the doors open to get a bit of a breeze flowing.  I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention when I suddenly heard birds sqwuaking.  I reluctantly got up from my chair to see what was happening when all of a sudden a brown ball of fur comes dashing towards the open door!! I don’t know who was more shocked, me or the squirrel that almost ran into me! Naturally I jumped back into the chair which goes flying out the other door.  Meanwhile the squirrel high-tails it (pun intended) followed by several angry starlings.  I watched as the poor thing ran to the worst place he could go, right into the bush where there happen to be at least three bird nests that I know of.  I watched with morbid fascination as a cloud of feather and fur rather violently erupted from the bottom of the bush, across the driveway, and into a nearby field.  Then my soft cushy heart decided to go and end it all and I ran out there and chased the birds away so the squirrel could escape.  Needless to say now I have a pack of angry birds scolding me everytime I step out of the guardshack.  It makes me wonder if Hitchcock ever had something like this happen to him and if he did maybe that’s where he got his inspiration for The Birds?  I’m sure one day I will look back upon this day and laugh my ass off as I’m sure you’re doing right now, but for now I am going to lock the doors and when the time comes to go home I’m praying I make it to my car alive!  Enjoy the insanity!

The Perfect Nut

The beginning of an insanely beautiful thing

Well hello there!!! So this appears to be my blog.  It will mostly be centered around the crazy and random things my parents do and say.  Every now and then when I am aching for filler material I’ll also throw in random crazy things that happen with me. 

Currently my parents have stepped out for a vacation to visit the folks back on the farm so until then I can do a few things.  I can recall random moments that have already happened, I can tell you what insanity is happening with me, or I could bore the crap out of you =)  So be sure to comment and weigh in with your thoughts!!

The Perfect Nut